Processing Grief: Stages, Coping Mechanisms, and Seeking Professional Help
There is no magic timeline when healing from the loss of a loved one. For one, it may take years. And for another, it may only take a few short days.
We are all unique in our own special ways and our individual processes of healing are no exception. You cannot judge your reaction against someone else’s — it’s just not fair to you.
Today, we want to talk to you about the stages one can expect to go through while in the healing process, what it’s like to experience relapses, and when it's time to seek professional grief counseling.
What Does Grief Look Like?
Grief is going to look different from person to person. While one may shut themselves off from the world and listen to sad music, another might find solace in being around people and enjoy a light-hearted comedy.
There really is no right or wrong answer on how you should feel or how you should outwardly manifest your grief for others to see.
Most people, however, experience grief in five stages.
They are:
Denial
Especially felt in sudden losses, it is common for one to experience a stage of denial or disbelief. A shock to your system, you might feel numbness as a result of the overwhelming news.
Anger
Once reality begins to settle in, anger might show up due to the frustration. You may begin playing the blame game — with yourself or others — in a futile attempt to make sense of it all.
Bargaining
All of the second-guessing, or “what ifs,” begin to show up in this stage of grief. This is where you go through all of your hindsight and start to see ways you think you could have changed what happened. Or, maybe, you’re just wishing that you would have treated that person with more kindness or taken them up more often on social activities.
Depression
Sadness usually starts to take its toll once you realize the magnitude of your loss. You might experience symptoms of depression that include crying, fatigue, loss of appetite, and a feeling of loneliness.
Acceptance
Even though you can have relapses down the road, this is the last stage of grief. Here, the loss has sunk in and you have come to realize that you cannot change it — no matter how much you cry, blame, or second-guess. You finally begin to move on with your life. (Reference 1)
What to Expect if Grief Returns
As with anything in life, the course that grief may take you on can be unpredictable. You may have had a breakthrough during your initial grieving process and never experience a relapse or you might have emotional ups and downs of varying degrees.
But what does one typically feel when grief returns?
You may feel:
Sadness with crying spells
Depression
Mental and/or physical pain
Anger
Anxiety
Guilt
Loneliness
Fatigue and trouble sleeping
For many people who experience relapses in their grief, they will notice that it occurs on special days.
Such as:
The anniversary of their loved one’s death
Birthdays
Wedding days
6 Ways You Can Cope with Grief That Gets Reawakened
Prepare yourself ahead of time
If you are expecting a difficult day — such as an anniversary — do your best to prepare yourself ahead of time. Maybe you need to make an effort to avoid certain places or things, or maybe you need to practice self-affirmations in the days leading up to it.
Plan distractions
When we are talking about a specific day that is triggering to one’s grief, it is beneficial to plan an activity that will take your mind off of the memories that will cause you pain. Special days can feel especially lonely in regards to grief, so surround yourself with loved ones who can serve as a distraction.
Reminisce
It can be difficult to not focus on your loss when in active grief. However, speaking with others who knew them and reminiscing can be healing. You may also try writing your loved one a letter — a known mechanism to help people mend.
Start a new tradition
Instead of dreading an anniversary, you can create a new tradition. Maybe you find a friend to go to a fancy restaurant with that day or maybe you choose that timeframe to go on vacation every year. It may take time, but eventually — with consistency — you might even come to look forward to those days.
Connect with others around you
Whether this is friends and family, members of your church, or a bereavement group — stay connected to your support system. Reaching out to them is up to you. However, just knowing that you have their availability is a soothing thought.
Allow yourself to go through the emotions
As strange as it seems, we can oftentimes feel guilty for experiencing happiness when we believe we should be feeling sadness. You deserve joy in your life — and having a range of emotions is part of the rollercoaster. Allow yourself to feel everything as it comes. Suppression can cause issues to arise later on. (Reference 2)
When Is It Time to Seek Professional Healing?
The American Psychological Association (APA) has discouraged professionals from making formal diagnoses of depression in those experiencing grief, as that is seen as a legitimate reason for their emotions and behavior.
However, in their opinion, those that stay away from their support system and isolate themselves for prolonged periods are at a higher risk of developing clinical depression. (Reference 3)
If you are currently going through the grieving process and wondering if it may benefit you to seek counseling, here are 3 signs it may be time:
Depressive symptoms
With grief, you are focused on the sadness of losing someone or something else. With depression, you are focused on yourself and how things impact you.
It is interfering with work or school
It is understandable that your work may suffer after a devastating loss. However, if you are dealing with demotions, HR meetings, or conversations with your boss, your grief may be taking its toll on your livelihood.
You can’t move on or you’ve moved on too quickly
When you lose someone you loved, your life changed — but you didn’t lose your life. If you feel as though you’ve hit a wall indicating that you are unable to get back to living normally, grief counseling is an option to look into.
On the flip side, if you lost someone suddenly and appear to have moved on too quickly, this creates a possible situation where you are setting yourself up for unrelenting grief to surge back into your life. It is important to deal with those emotions before it takes you by surprise. (Reference 4)
Grief or Depression? MHT Can Help Distinguish the Difference
Symptoms from different conditions overlap — which can make it difficult for clinicians to make a concrete diagnosis.
At MHT, we help medical professionals take the guesswork out of it all.
With our advanced screening tool, there is no room for misinterpretation. Patients will never have to worry about their words being paraphrased or their tone being misunderstood. The data sent to your clinician is clean and accurate.
If you are a patient interested in bringing this assessment screener to your local practitioner or if you are a clinician’s office ready to invest in a diagnostic tool — contact us today for a free, 30-day trial.
